Slice 'n' Dice
by Eric and Derek
Summary: Tidus and Lulu have met in the farplane to see how each others lives are coming along. Unfortunatly Tidus upsets Lulu by obliterating her child.(modifyed)WE'E PUT A NEW CHAPTER ON! PLEASE READ!
1.

**Slice 'n' Dice: Rikku **

**23rd April**

Wakka is out meeting Tidus in the farplane, when he remembers he was supposed to pick Rikku up with him. Annoyed with Rikku, Tidus slices her to reveal her true identity.

Tidus: Ha! Bout time you got here!

Wakka: well...you know wife wanted me to do stuff...

Tidus: oooh! Like what?

Wakka: ah usual stuff...putting up shelves, taking the kid for a walk.

Tidus: kid? A baby goat? When did you get that?

Wakka: NO! My child!

Tidus: wait a sec...didn't you have two?

Wakka: did...(stares at his feet)

Tidus well...what happened to the other one?

Wakka: ahh...Lu says she lost it.

Tidus: oh! Did she now?

Wakka: you haven't seen it around have you?

Tidus: no...( fidgets ) never seen...it in...my life...

Wakka: has this got anything to do with you?

Tidus: (ignores Wakka) did you put WANTED signs up?

Wakka: it's a child, Tidus, not a freakin' dog.

Tidus: anyway, Lulu told me the wedding didn't go how she planned

Wakka: oh yeah,that...

Tidus: the Blitzball shot huh?

Wakka: what was wrong with it? It was that cream pudding...made me vomit!

Tidus: well...Lulu told me, that you finished the ceremony with a Blitz shot.

Wakka: I did!

Tidus: well, what happened?

Wakka: ah, kicked a ball, got it right on target!

Tidus: Lulu's dad?

Wakka: yeah! On the head! And I hit the vicar, broke a 1,200 year old stained glass window, and er.. well let's just say that the Vicar wasn't too happy where the Blitzball hit him...

Tidus: in the soft spot huh?

Wakka: NO! On his hip! He'd had a hip replacement!

Tidus: hmmm...( smiles uncomfortably ) that's where...I meant.

Wakka: ( glares at him awkwardly)

Tidus: you haven't changed your hair at all have you?

Wakka: nor have you! ( points at him)

Tidus: Oh! For the love of Yevon! I'm dead mate! They don't supply us with a hair salon do they?

Wakka: hmmm...( strokes an imaginary beard, (Wakka says it's a sign of Manliness))

Tidus: what?

Wakka: did Rikku say she's comin' here too, ya?

Tidus: yeah, why?

Wakka: I forgot to meet her, I was meant to pick her up in the middle of the motorway.

Tidus: it's rush hour now.

Wakka: yeah I know...( turns away)

( Rikku walks in, battered)

Rikku: you left me in the road! Ya know!

Wakka: yeah, I know...

Tidus: ( giggles)

Rikku: I could have been killed, ya know!

Tidus: ( stares at Rikku, he only just noticed the clothes she was wearing...or lack of them)

Rikku: ( see's Tidus looking at her) I know I'm gorgeous, but take a picture of me, it'll last longer!

Tidus: I think I'll be taking LOTS of pictures of you. ( begins to daydream )

Wakka: sorry, I didn't think you would mind if you were left splattered for a couple of hours...

Rikku: SPLATTERED! Is that all you think I'm good for?

Tidus: well I can think of many things you would be good for...

Rikku: hey! ( stomps her foot ) ...thanks! that still doesn't make up for Wakka abandoning me, ya know!

Wakka: can you stop saying ( starts to prance around ) ' ya know'...'ya know'...'ya know'...?

Rikku: what are you talking about? That's not nice, ya know?

Wakka : (starts to tear his orange hair out )

Rikku: you don't look so good, ya know?

Tidus: actually, he's right, THAT'S REALLY ANNOYING!

Rikku: you don't have to say it like that! You could at least be a bit more comforting over my mental ANNOYING SPEECH disability! Its called I.A.T.M.A.P.I.T.W.S

Tidus: a what?

Rikku: I Am The Most Annoying Person In The World Syndrome! Ya, know, ya, know, ya, know!

Tidus: ( begins to get really frustrated ) **_SHUT...UP!_**

Rikku: don't you shout at me! Ya, know, ya, know, ya, know!

Tidus: ( gets out his CALADBOLG sword ) you want this huh?

Wakka: ( runs round in circles )

Rikku: ooh that's pretty...ya, know?

Tidus: ( in a fit of rage ) AHHHHHHHH! ( slices Rikku down the middle, she splits in half to reveal a robotic interior)

Tidus: hmmm... so Rikku was a robot?

Wakka: yeah, looks like it. (Peers inside) broken too...

Tidus: so THAT'S why she kept saying ' ya know'

Wakka: and that's why she always had a Spack-attack about lightning.

Tidus: well, I'm just glad she's gone.

Wakka: yeah and me, should be odd not havin' her around, ya know...oops...

Tidus: ( his eyes widen and begins to run frantically around after Wakka ) AHHHHHHH!

Wakka: ( running like a maniac) SHOULDA KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT!...YA, KNOW!


	2. Lulu's Kid: Sliced

Lulu is meeting Tidus in the Farplane to see how life working out. Stupidly Tidus upsets Lulu after her 12 years of freedom by slicing her child.

Short but sweet. Not too close to the surface on language. Tidus and Lulu are beginning to get stupid in their old age, tell us what you think of it. Don't be too harsh on the reviews!

Tidus – So! What's happened in your life?

Lulu – What's gone on in yours?

Tidus – hey! I asked you first!

Lulu – haven't changed a bit have you?

Tidus - (ignores Lulu) How about Yuna?

Lulu – Well went marching round in hot pants and guns! Abandoned the skirt and ribbons.

Tidus – Hot pants eh? I like the sound of that! And Rikku?

Lulu – er...went with Yuna. Even if I WAS the prettiest, it was a younger female adventure. Stupid cows...

Tidus – I smell a hint of jealousy! What ever happened to Kimahri? Did he ever sort out his bad breath problem?

Lulu – we sent him to pretty kitty home.

Tidus – Okay. What about you and Wakka? I heard from the old geezer that you two got married!

Lulu – well he always did have a thing for me.

Tidus – married...

Lulu – decided he'd finish the wedding with a Blitzball shot. Yeah...

Tidus – married...

Lulu – hit my dad on the nose, he hates that pathetic Blitzball player as it is!

Tidus – married...

Lulu – WILL YOU SHUT UP!

Tidus – okay mole face, chill!

Lulu – It's a beauty spot, you moron.

Tidus – It's still an impurity! Anyway, how is it a beauty spot? It doesn't exactly make you look beautiful...

Lulu – take that back! Or I'll tell Wakka a certain idiot needs beating up!

Tidus – Wakka, beat me up! You're kidding me. I inherited Jechts fighting Spirit. Besides Wakka couldn't beat his way out of a wet piece of toilet tissue!

(A small child peeps behind Lulu)

Tidus – Man...Is that yours?

Lulu – and Wakka's.

Tidus - Hey I thought Wakka was gay?

Lulu – Well...yeah...um

Tidus – hold up, you're telling me that Wakka thinks you're a man?

Lulu - (blushing )Yeah...but don't tell him I'm not.

Tidus – how can you prove that?

Lulu – I've had Children you moron. How many men do you know that have had kids?

Tidus - (begins to count fingers, gets to eight and blinks) none

Lulu – do you think guys are supposed to have children? Come on now (sarcastically) I know this is difficult. But think hard

Tidus -( screws up face) Ah...damn it! I knew I shouldn'ta been chatting up that cute girl in my 8th year,...hmmmmm

Lulu – Anyway, how are your battle skills? Did you eventually get the sun sigil? What did that Chocobo trainer say when you thrashed her in the race under 0 seconds?

Tidus – NO!

Lulu – hmmmm thought she might have

Tidus – eh? Oh,no. Men can't give birth. I just figured it out they need -

Lulu -( smacks herself in the face)

Tidus – well what are you're children?

Lulu - (sarcastically) well ones a Flame Flan and the others a Chimera.

Tidus - a Chimera? That things evil! KILL IT! (storms up to the child cowering behind Lulu) YOU! I knew it! That snake tail of yours and that flame in your left hand, I thought you were a bit tall for a 5 year old. WHY DIDN'T I SEE IT BEFORE! (draws Excalibur sword and slashes child down the middle.) Hey! Where's my AP? And what happened to the battle music?

Lulu - (in tears)

Tidus – hmmmm actually, that Chimera didn't seem all that Chimera-ish really...It looked ...more ...like...that child ...of ...yours...um...haha. (fidgets)

Lulu – TIDUS! Damn this stupid farplane, I can't reach you. BUT I'LL GET YOU ONE DAY TIDUS!


End file.
